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Grieving for my princess?

7/29/2016

5 Comments

 
7 years!

It's a song right? Some of the lyrics fit really well into how I feel about life, it's like a big jumbled up puzzle of it, only some pieces are inside out and upside down so it doesn't totally fit together!

7years and 9 months and four days ago I fell pregnant, We were elated. I'd miscarried the month before so things were tense but my little bean stuck! We spoke about names, and spent a fortune on clothes and nursery things and feeding equipment. We talked about our hopes and dreams. I imagined having a little girl, buying pretty dresses, and plaiting freshly washed hair. Having little pretend tea parties and play dates with other families. We imagined holidays with the children. Going on shopping trips for clothes and party dresses. It was so exciting! A new baby. I already had a boy, would this be my girl? I hoped so!

Pregnancy was long and tiring. But at 8:50pm on the 30th July 2009 my gorgeous princess was born 4 days over due weighing 5lb 150z and she was absolutely perfect! She was adorable. She was bald. And she was tiny!

I've written a series of blog posts before on the chapters of our life with little lolly and how hard those first few years were. Things were very strange. Nothing was normal. She couldn't even keep down a bottle.

We struggled with Lolly from day one. And when things didn't change and she grew in size, but didn't seem to follow in all her milestones grief struck me big time. I'm not ashamed to admit that I wondered where my princess was? I didn't sign up for this child? She was angry, violent, confusing, and never happy. I couldn't take her anywhere at all. Driving was so stressful, we couldn't go on holidays because it was a danger to everyone. I could only make short journeys and even those were very difficult indeed.

Why wasn't my baby happy?

There were no pretty dresses, no shopping trips, and certainly no freshly washed hair with plaits! In fact I couldn't even touch her head. I knew what was wrong and it took me two years to finally convince everyone else. But still I grieved for that other child, the one I could take to the movies and sing songs happily with, the one that would help me cook. My princess!

But the bond we had was astounding. Sometimes suffocating. But wonderful all at the same time. We were one, we understood each other. I knew her mind, her soul and I felt her pain and her suffering. I would know what she wanted with just a look, or a turn of the head, I had to stop myself finishing her sentences because she was delayed with speech and language, instead I had to use encouragement and guidance. I HAD to help my child. Instead of longing for my princess who quite honestly must have got lost, (someone must have given her the wrong directions or something) I had to understand and guide her, and everyone else for that matter.

I don't know when I stopped grieving for my princess. I honestly can't remember it was a very long time ago, probably about the same that I lost my sanity. But I don't grieve about pretty party dresses anymore, or plaits, or going shopping for clothes. I indulge us both in other ways! I indulge her obsessions. we don't buy toys, and normal things for birthdays. Birthdays have consisted mainly of sensory toys for years. Sparkly night lights, weighted blankets and silly putty. Let's face it there's only so much you can have right? This year her stationary obsession has been well and truly indulged and I'm so jealous.

I still wonder sometimes what it would be like if I had my little princess, only briefly, because then it hits me. I DO have my princess. She's here with me, she is beautiful, and kind and thoughtful and loving. She is funny, energetic (my god is she energetic) has the most Infectious laugh, and is so endearing and innocent that it melts my heart. My princess didn't get lost, she was just made differently. It was me who was lost, lost in grief for the "normal" all those things in the first paragraph. But this is my normal now. I'm actually quite used to it. It's hard work but she is who she is, and no amount of grief is ever ever going to change that. But it's ok, to feel grief is normal. Grieving helps the process. It helps acceptance and it helps us to become who we are, to love unconditionally. It's ok that she needs Lots Of Love and Affection. Because every child does. And that's normal! 💗

So to those of you in those first stages of this pathway that will lead you to your own normal, grieve away, because once you get there you'll understand that it's ok! 💗

And to my beautiful, funny princess, a massive happy 7th birthday! We love you no matter what. 🌺

J X
5 Comments
Jane Scott link
7/29/2016 11:31:38 pm

Ouch.Yes.I know what you mean.Beautifully put and very resonant.Pearl who definitely has sensory sensitivity of the hair(!) screamed so loudly yesterday when I washed combed and plaited that I thought social services might come.The love you have for your girl shines through,and I recognise that melancholy nostalgia for a dream not quite realised.

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Yve Barry
7/30/2016 02:06:07 pm

Hello, You're very brave writing about Lola, you obviously have a LOT of love for her.

She calls nearly every day to see if Aidans in, I tell her he's not, he's at his mums, I think she thinks I'm lying to her, but we have a chat, usually the same thing every time, but I truly dont mind. Sometimes Connnie comes over too. They ask to come in and have a look around my house, but I say no, not to be nasty, but I dont think its appropriate, as I dont know you and you dont know me, so we just have a chat on the door step.

I hope you dont mind, Its seems strange when she doesnt visit, I knew it was her birthday today, she seemed a bit shy to tell me, though Connie didnt seem bothered, lol. I hope she had a lovely day and hope she pops over to tell me about it.

Good luck

Yve

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J
7/30/2016 02:43:58 pm

Hi Yvonne,

I think you're doing the right thing, with their difficulties they don't understand the boundaries and aren't great with stranger danger and where they should and shouldn't go, hence why it always alarms me when I find her up the street haha, they're so quick! So thank you. We do always teach them about the dangers etc it just doesn't sink in like it would a typical child. I think she's coming fused because I think she thinks that Aiden lives there haha. Bless them, I'll tell them you said hi in the morning

X

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Anne link
7/31/2016 03:10:36 pm

I agree, I think we all go through that stage of grieving for what could have been, what we expected to me. I think you've expressed it so well and it's obvious the love you have for your little 'princess' regardless. x

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J
8/1/2016 12:53:57 am

Thank you Anne xx

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